I thought that I would have made a follow up post to this much sooner than I did, and that I would be recounting the post diagnosis events in detail, so that I could look back on it at some point and re-read it all. But as I was writing those details out, it seemed more like I was just opening an old wound to see how much it hurt, and how much pain I could take. I wasn’t actually helping myself that way. I wasn’t reflecting, I was ruminating.
So I am going to try to take a different approach here and just summarize what happened:
Back in November of last year, I was diagnosed with Testicular cancer.
I made the decision to take care of it within a week of the diagnosis.
I had the testicle with the tumor in it surgically removed.
Nurses on the whole are pretty awesome.
Getting a catheter put in you is not super fun, but it is bearable.
My family and friends are pretty awesome.
I only had to take a week off from work to recover from surgery, and was back to feeling 100% within about a month and a half.
Turns out, I caught the cancer in the earliest stage possible, looks like it didn’t really have the chance to spread based on the biopsy.
I need to have periodic blood labs and CAT scans done for the next 2 years to make sure the cancer doesn’t come back, if it does I will need chemotherapy, but it is still very treatable, even in that situation.
I should be fine, but I still need to go to a sperm bank to have my fertility double checked.
Overall it was a difficult experience, but on the whole, I am proud of how I dealt with it. It is still somewhat difficult to think about and deal with at times, especially since there is still a degree of uncertainty left, but life is always full of uncertainty, that is just the way it is. My second blood lab to keep an eye on the cancer is tomorrow.
My studies in Stoic theory and practice continue as they always have, just with a little more perspective now. In the end, Marcus puts it best:
So henceforth, in the face of every difficulty that leads you to feel distress, remember to apply this principle: this is no misfortune, but to bear it with a noble spirit is good fortune. – Meditations, 4.49
This multi-part post is going to act as a catharsis for me more than anything, but I think there will still be some value in sharing it with others. Last November I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. In these next few posts I am going to attempt to document what I went through the past few months, along with how I used Stoicism to help and guide me through the ordeal.
This all started roughly in October, the week before Halloween. While I was washing myself in the shower I noticed that something felt strange. My right testicle felt harder than usual. It was fairly easy to tell something was off since I did indeed have two testicles to compare against. One testicle was squishy, the other was not so squishy anymore.
Now thankfully I had a pretty decent health class in high school where we talked about these kinds of things, so the idea of testicular cancer did flash into my mind for a moment. At that point though, I figured there was no reason to jump to conclusions right away. Perhaps I had somehow hurt myself while rolling around in my sleep or during some other activity. I was not in any real pain, so I decided that I would keep an eye on it for a week to see what happened and go from there.
After waiting for a week it had not gotten better. The hardness was still there, and now I was starting to get minor shooting pains in my testicles as well. At this point I had a bit of an internal struggle, a decision to make. Do I wait longer to see if this goes away on its own? Or do I go see a doctor? Going to see a doctor was not a very appealing option at the time. After moving the Brooklyn I had not found a new Primary Care Physician (PCP), and since I am relatively healthy, I had actually not been to the doctors once in over four years.
This meant that I would have to go through the process of finding a new doctor in NYC that accepted my insurance, he would have to check me out downstairs, and it would hopefully not be awful. I decided to ask the two people who I knew had a lot of experience with finding doctors, my parents. They were able to give me some good advice on where to look, and I was able to schedule an appointment for a physical.
Surprisingly enough, this was probably one of the most difficult and critical steps of the entire process. I could of very easily ignored what was going on, blown it off, and moved on. Health is a preferred indifferent after all right? It doesn’t really matter whether I get sick or not, I can still live a good life, at least, according to the Stoics. But I also remembered that while my health and my body are a preferred indifferent, the use of my body, and the choices I make about it are not an indifferent. How I use what I have is what matters, that is where virtue comes, from your choices. I figured the wise choice would be to get checked.
I am also fond of Immanuel Kant and some of his ideas. For those of you that are not familiar, Kant is all about Dentology (rules and duties). You have duties to others that you must morally fulfill, but, you also have duties to yourself as an individual. I felt that if I just ignored this issue, I would be neglecting a duty that I owed myself.
So I went and got my physical. The doctor examined me and agreed that something felt off. He immediately mentioned that testicular cancer was a possibility, and if that was the case, that I would probably need my testicle removed. He said that I needed to get a sonogram of my testicles to check and make sure. He also made sure to mention that even if it was testicular cancer, that the vast majority of people went on to live normal lives afterwards. He recommended a couple of places where I could get a sonogram, and said that it wasn’t urgent, but that I should get one sooner rather then later.
At this point, I was just glad that I had made the right decision to get checked out, that something was indeed off as I had suspected. I told myself again, just like before, at this point it was too soon to say anything for sure, that there was no reason to freak out or think I had an issue yet.
I recalled a quote from Seneca
Yet what could be more senseless than suffering over what had not yet happened? Rather than awaiting future trials, you are summoning them to your side! Better you should delay them if you cannot dispel them altogether. – Seneca, Letter 74.33
Even though this was my primary mode of thought at the time, I knew it was important to not push testicular cancer off the table as an option entirely. If I rejected that as a possibility, if I said that there was no way it could happen to me, and then it did, I would be far worse off than if I accepted that fact that it was a real possibility.
Yield not to adversity, trust not to prosperity. Fix your eyes on fortune’s privilege, thinking that whatever can happen to you will indeed happen. What has been long expected is easier when it comes. – Seneca, Letter 78.28
You might feel like Seneca is contradicting himself in these two passages, but he isn’t really. In the first passage, he is saying that there is no point in suffering now over something that hasn’t happened yet, that it actually makes no sense because you just end up suffering twice. In the second passage he is suggesting that you do a premeditation of adversity. To realize that anything can happen to you, that nothing is truly off the table. And that when you accept this, then, if some trouble really does come your way, you will be better prepared for it.
Seneca combines these two ideas into one in a later letter:
Wisdom lies in combining the two: you should neither hope without doubting nor doubt without hoping. – Letter 104.12
This is some of the best advice out there in dealing with unknown events that may happen in the future. It helped me a great deal during these early stages.
So I scheduled my sonogram at a Radiology Clinic in Brooklyn for the next week. It was a bit of a trip to get there from my apartment. A 40 minute subway ride into a part of Brooklyn I had never visited before. Little did I realize that the clinic I had scheduled an appointment with was in one of the worst parts of Brooklyn. I realized as soon as I got out of the subway station that I stuck out like a sore thumb in that area.
My first reaction was “uh oh, maybe I shouldn’t be here”. But then I thought about it for a little and remembered that the Stoics always had a cosmopolitan outlook, that these were human beings just like me, and that at this moment, they didn’t deserve any of the judgement that I was about to pass on them.
If he did wrong, the ill lies with him; but perhaps he did not. – Meditations 9.38
The above passage is saying that if someone does wrong, that choice lies with them, but also, it is possible that they did not do anything wrong at all. It is difficult to know the actions, intentions, and circumstances of other people, so we should not be so quick to judge others.
Another relevant passage that came to mind is as follows:
But I, who have observed the nature of the good, and seen that it is right; and of the bad, and seen that it is wrong; and of the wrongdoer himself, and seen that his nature is akin to my own – not because he is of the same blood and seed, but because he shares as I do in mind and this in a portion of the divine – I, then, can neither be harmed by these people, nor become angry with one who is akin to me, nor can I hate him, for we have come into being to work together, like feet, hands, eyelid, or the two rows of teeth in our upper and lower jaws. To work against one another is therefore contrary to nature; and to be angry with another person and turn away form him is surely to work against him. – Meditations 2.1
One technique that I have picked up from these ideas, which has been suggested and mentioned elsewhere, is that in awkward situations like this, that we should call other people our “brothers and sisters” (internally in our heads at least, not out loud). It makes it much more difficult to have any sort of negative or apprehensive thoughts towards other people when you think of them in this way. It is also true in a sense like Marcus says, we may not be related by blood, but we still have a shared humanity with one another. As social animals we were made to work together, so, lets work together.
I made it to the radiology clinic without any issues, and, still sticking out like a sore thumb, filled out the required paperwork, waited, and was eventually called in for my sonogram. This, I can tell you, was probably one of the most awkward parts of the ordeal. I got to lay down in a chair with my testicles exposed, while a guy with a bunch of goopy gel and a plastic wand got to rub my testicles for 30 minutes in-order to scan them. I was periodically told to clench like I was going to the bathroom, probably so that the technician could get a better scan of the testicles in different raised and lowered states, but for the most part, I was just lying there still the whole time.
I don’t know if there are any Stoic exercises that apply to this situation in particular, but I can say that doing simple mindfulness meditation, and counting my breath, was very helpful. It allowed the time pass by more quickly and also kept me relatively relaxed.
After the scan was finished, I was told that they would send the results to their radiologist to be checked, and that I could get my own copy of the results on a CD, which I did. Their radiologist would call my doctor with the final results, which would happen within a few days.
That was all done on a Saturday. I figured it would take a little while to get the results, probably not till Wednesday. I ended up getting a phone call from my doctor that Monday morning while I was at work. I was busy at the time and didn’t have the doctor added as a contact, so he had left a message on my cell phone. The message went something like this “Hi, we got your results back. It isn’t very good news…but it could be worse…I guess…call me back when you have the chance”.
At that point my heart-rate skyrocketed and I probably went into high octane adrenaline mode for about 30 seconds. I thought to myself, ok, this is officially happening, I probably have cancer. After calming down a bit I called the doctor back, he wasn’t available and I was told he would call me back when he had a chance. Great, more waiting. I tried to go back to work and keep myself occupied for the meantime, probably not getting too much work done in the process.
I got a phone call back from the doctor withing an hour or so. He confirmed what I had thought. Yes, I had a tumor, it was most likely testicular cancer, I very likely needed to have my testicle removed, and I needed to schedule an appointment with a specialist now. Ok, time to get busy.
What should a philosopher say then, in the face of each of the hardships of life? ‘It is for this that I’ve been training myself; it is for this that I was practicing.’ – Epictetus, Discourses 3.10.7
I was fortunate enough to attend STOICON this year, so I decided to do a write up about my thoughts and experiences from the event.
Being a native New Yorker who currently lives in Brooklyn, it was pretty easy for me to hop on the subway and head down to where STOICON was being held, at the Houston Street Center in Lower Manhattan between Little Italy and East Village.
I had never been to the Houston Street Center before, the best way I can describe the center is that it almost feels like a YMCA. It has a large gym for basketball, a workout room with exercise equipment, and a few small classrooms scattered throughout the building.
Upon arriving at around 8:30am I was prompted by the organizers to find my name tag from those alphabetically sorted on a table. I was then told to insert my name tag into a plastic pouch, and was provided with an untied shoelace. Combine all three of these things together and you get yourself a lanyard!
This process seemed a little strange to me as I have been to my fair share of conventions before, such as PAX East and NYCC, where they tend to go all out with the lanyards and badges. I am sure doing it this way allowed the organizes to save money on materials, and provided an interesting exercise in knot tying for the attendees.
They had also printed out a very nice convention guide booklet which contained a schedule of the days activities along with mini bios of all the speakers. In addition it contained a page of Greek terms that might come up during the conference, as well a list of basic Stoic resources, on the web and elsewhere, that would be helpful for people who are new to Stoicism.
I was surprised that as I entered the convention, nobody checked my ticket. My guess here is that the organizers believed that anybody interested enough to attend a conference about Stoicism, where people would be talking about morality and virtue, would not be so immoral as to attempt to sneak in without paying, or steal somebody else’s name tag.
The convention itself was setup inside a large basketball court, with a podium up front, a projector, and seats laid out throughout the court floor. Massimo Pigliucci came up first to do a quick welcome and introduction, mentioning that there were about 330 attendees at the conference that day, ostensibly being the largest gathering of Stoics in all of history, an amusing fact to ponder.
From the beginning it seemed as if the Stoic gods, if there are any, were testing us. There were constant issues with the microphones and sound, making it difficult to hear many of the speakers at times throughout the conference. It was also very difficult to see many of the presentation slides due to the lighting in the room. I do think however, that everyone got through these issues fairly well, without anybody losing their cool. Stoicism at work!
There were three speakers arranged to talk in the initial morning session, from 9am – 10:30am consisting of Donald Robertson, Julia Annas, and Bill Irvine. I found all of the speakers in this session to be interesting and engaging, as each approached Stoic philosophy from different perspectives.
Donald Robertson talked about Stoic Mindfulness and how it relates to many of the techniques practiced in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy).
Julia Annas approached the Stoic philosophy more directly, taking about how the Stoics viewed virtue and vice along with their ideal sage. She tackled the rather off-putting concept of how the Stoic philosophers say there are no degrees of virtue, you either wholly virtuous or wholly vicious, and explained why the Stoic philosophers thought of it that way. I found this talk helpful in resolving some of the common “Stoic Paradoxes” that come up as you dig deeper into the philosophy.
William Irvine talked about using Stoic techniques, and applying them so that you could become an “insult pacifist”, basically somebody who is unperturbed by insults. He mentioned some of his own personal stories where he had been able to apply these ideas to his own life, and also mentioned stories where he had failed to live up to those standards. William’s speech was probably taken the most well received by the audience out of first few presentations due to the humor and personal perspective he provided.
After the first three speakers had finished, we took a quick 15 minute break to get up, stretch, and walk around. During the break I noticed Matt Van Natta, author of the Immoderate Stoic blog as well as the Good Fortune podcast. I had listened to his podcast before, so it was cool to see him there. I was able to talk to him for a little while during the break time.
Convention Morning Part 2
After the break, we had another series of speakers setup to talk from 10:45am – 1pm. The speakers included Lawrence Becker, Debbie Joffe Ellis, Chris Gill, Cinzia Arruzza, and Jules Evans.
Lawrence Becker was unable to attend in person, so instead a Skype call was setup so that he could address everyone at the convention. As you might expect, there were issues initiating the Skype call, glitches with the audio skipping at times, and they were unable to get the video to work until about half way through the talk. It is difficult to pin down exactly what Lawrence talked about, as he bounced around from topic to topic, mentioning how Stoic philosophy is really an evolving philosophy, giving examples of Stoic philosophers, such as Posidonius, who took the philosophy in different directions at times.
Debbie Joffe Ellis talked about her late husband, Albert Ellis, and how he used many ideas from the Stoic toolkit to develop REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) which helped many people throughout his career. She also mentioned how he lived as a good example of how you should live, as he always sought to help others throughout his life even into his 90s while he was ill.
Christopher Gill talked about whether Stoicism conflicted with political activism in any way, with the conclusion being that Stocism actually encourages political activism instead of passivity which it is commonly misconstrued as suggesting. His speech felt very much like a good old fashioned college lecture, which makes sense since he is indeed a Philosophy Professor.
Cinzia Arruza talked about using enabling us to use Stoicism to take better care of ourselves, along with Stoic exercises in relationship to French Philosopher Michel Foucault. This lecture went beyond me at times, digging deep into Foucault, who I was not really familiar with. There were some helpful insights at times about inspecting your impressions, trying to evaluate your issues from different perspective (such as a cosmological perspective) and that often we much change ourselves internally before we can change the external world.
Jules Evans was probably the most lively of all the speakers, encouraging everyone to stand up, stretch, high five the person next to them, along with other shenanigans. Jules talked primarily about his own life experiences, how throughout and after college he ran into a lot of anxiety issues, discovered CBT which helped him to mitigate his anxiety issues quite a bit, and went on to discover how the root of CBT came from ancient Stoic philosophy.
We were then dismissed from around 1:00pm to 2:30pm to go off and find lunch. I had scoped out some nearby pizza places before and ended up trying to get some food at Prince Street Pizza. Their spicy pepperoni squares were highly recommended so I decided to try that. They did not have any available when I showed up, but they gave me a waiting ticket (#5) and said that more should be ready in 10 minutes. I had some time to kill anyways so I figured it would be fine to wait.
About 10 minutes passed and a pepperoni pie finally came out. However, it was only enough to serve # 1 – 3 who arrived there before me. Apparently I would have to wait a little longer. It was now 1:55pm and I had been waiting for Pizza for at least 35 minutes. I decided that in-order to get back to the conference in time for the 2:30pm workshops, I might as well hand in my #5 ticket, forego the pepperoni pizza, and get something else. I ordered two slices of margherita pizza instead. After I had received and paid for my two slices I saw them pulling two pies of pepperoni pizza out of the oven. Again, it seemed as if the Stoic gods, if there are any, were testing me, or at least they had a sense of humor. I basically went “oh well” and continued on with my margherita pizza, which was rather good anyways.
There were 6 potential workshops to choose from that would last from 2:30pm – 4pm, and you had to sign up in advance to indicate which workshop you wanted to attend. I decided to attend Tim LeBon’s workshop titled “Trump for President? A Stoic response”.
The first great test of the workshop was finding it…I was able to find all the other workshops in the building but could not seem to find the specific one I wanted to attend. After wandering around for a few minutes I eventually bumped into Time LeBon, who also was confused and looking for the workshop room. Eventually we found a staff member who was able to direct us the workshop room, which ended up being on a different floor in a back room.
The room was pretty small, having enough space for about 16 charis. There were around 12 people in total attending Tim’s workshop. The patience of this group of Stoics was again tested, as there were many difficulties setting up the presentation. Tim had brought his own laptop with an HDMI cable, however the projectors they had only took VHS. The staff then brought in another laptop that had a VHS port, but Tim could not load his presentation on to the laptop, as it would not recognize his flash drive. Three different laptops and two flash drives later, we could still not get the presentation setup properly.
Eventually Tim realized that he had his presentation on his website, and was able to download it onto one of the working laptops. Unfortunately he only had it in pdf format, not power point, which made it a little awkward to present. Did I also mention that the projector was crooked the whole time? It was almost like being in an absurdist play where everything goes wrong. However, we did get through it and went on with Tim’s presentation.
To quickly summarize Tim’s presentation, we essentially did a bunch of negative visualization training. First we imagined what it might be like if Trump became President, imagined what moods and emotions we might feel at the time, as well as what we would feel like doing. Some emotions that people listed out were disappointment, fearfulness, and depression, along with taking actions such as hiding in your room under your bed to escape reality.
We then moved on to examine how a Stoic might react to the situation, taking into account what we could or could not change at that moment, and how we might use the Stoic virtues in ways that would be helpful. We could not change the fact that Trump was president, but we could change our reactions along with our actions. We could use the virtue of temperance to make sure that we do not go on an angry tirade, the virtue of courage to take action against decisions we disagree with, and practical wisdom to determine what actions we might take to lessen any potential damages that might occur due to a Trump presidency.
The idea here was that, if we visualize how we might react to the situation, and rehearse how we should behave after we have those reactions, we would be better equipped to deal with the situation if it did occur. Obviously these techniques can be used for any potentially upsetting situation, which was the main point of this workshop. You need not let your initial impressions dictate your reactions.
After all the workshops were over, we all headed back to the gymnasium for the Keynote speech, which lasted from around 4:15pm to 5:15pm. The speaker this time was Ryan Holiday, who is probably one of the more well know speakers, since he has written a handful of books on various topics ranging from social media manipulation to overcoming obstacles in your life.
He told us how he personally encountered Stoicism back in college, by reading a copy of Marcus Aurelieus’s Meditations. After regaling us with a variety of Stoic quotes from Marcus, Seneca, and Epictetus he elaborated on his belief that Stoicism really is a philosophy for the common person, and the we should push it into the mainstream as much as possible, so that others may also benefit from it as we have.
He then talked about his new book The Daily Stoic which contains quotes from many of the great Stoic philosophers with detailed comments on each quote, the idea here being that every day you would read one page from the book and focus on that Stoic principle for the day. Ryan was also kind enough to give everyone at the conference a free copy of his new book, which was a nice surprise.
And thus ended my long day at STOICON.
If you are interesting in hearing what the speakers had to say for yourself, most of STOICON was live streamed and put on YouTube to watch here and here. The audio is not great at times, but I am sure you can use many of the techniques mentioned in this post to help you deal with it. You can also read more about what happened at STOICON on Massimo’s blog here.
In the end I would consider STOICON to have been a successful event. It was great to see the various perspectives that people approached Stoicism with, learn more about the Stoic philosophy as a whole, and to see the philosophy at work in action.
It is easy to become disillusioned with our appearances due to the constant barrage of media, advertising, and commercials that show us what “beautiful people” are supposed to look like.
Being exposed to this constantly can skew our view of reality. Due to this, we may become dissatisfied with our own looks, simply because we do not appear the way that the media, or perhaps even society, tells us to.
If you want to reset this depressed image that you have of yourself, go hang out at Penn Station in NYC, or any other public area that gets heavy foot traffic. Step to the side, and just watch people walk by for about 30 minutes. I have done this myself while waiting for trains to arrive, and you will quickly come to realize, that pretty much all of us look fairly funky in some way.
The world is not made up of movie stars and models who look good 24/7 (primarily because they have a team of people who’s job it is to make sure they look that way). The world is made up of common, everyday people, who dare I say, look a little strange. But the oddities of others can often be very charming in their own ways.
I am not saying that you should not care about the way you look at all. The way you dress, your appearances, do communicate a message about yourself to others. If you are wearing a t-shirt with your favorite video game character on it, you are saying to the world, “Hey everyone, I really like this video game!”, or if you are wearing shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses, you are saying “I am casual, relaxed, and ready to have some summer fun.”
Your appearances aren’t simply about “looking good”, if that was the case, we would be wearing fancy clothes such as tuxedos and ornate dresses all the time.
However, when you are choosing what to wear, you should keep this little idea in the back of your mind, “What I am trying to communicate to everyone today?”
Whenever somebody says, “I am struggling in my attempts to be physically healthy”, most of us are more than happy to tell the person how they should exercise or what they should eat.
But when somebody says, “I am struggling in my attempts to be mentally healthy”, we fall silent. What does it even mean to be mentally healthy?
As we grow up, we are frequently taught that we should eat well, exercise often, and that we must look after our physical well-being, especially when we hurt ourselves or become ill. Very rarely are we taught what to do when our mental well-being is challenged in the same way.
What should I do when things don’t go my way? How should I react to and cope with disheartening news? How should I treat difficult obstacles in my path? You will have to answer these questions repeatedly throughout your entire life. We often stumble around, trying to figure out these answers for ourselves as we move forward.
The answers to these questions are far more important than the answers to “How can I gain more muscle?” or “How can I lose more weight?”. That is not to say that physical health is not important, it should simply take a back seat to our mental well-being.
We often have many answers on hand for the questions related to physical health, but very few answers prepared for our mental health, for our overall well-being.
Physical health has undergone an awareness explosion in the past few years. More and more people are focusing on how to eat and exercise properly. I feel that we also need an awareness explosion in the realm of mental health.
These are important questions that we need to ask ourselves, and find real answers to, if we are ever to truly understand how we can live well.
We need a philosophy of life to guide us, otherwise we risk losing our way.
The above is taken from a post that I made on Facebook a few months ago. During that time, I had been noticing a trend among my Facebook friends, that many of them were posting about physical fitness, and how it is very important to eat right and exercise.
At the time, I was looking into what it meant to be mentally healthy with a little help from The School of Life, and I wondered why we are often so quick to talk about physical health in a social settings, but very reluctant to talk about mental health.
The obvious answer is that it is much easier for us to gauge somebody’s overall physical health at a glance, as opposed to their mental health. I also think that modern day society has made it taboo to an extent, to talk about mental health. Talking about such things is often seen as a weaknesses.
Because we do not talk about these issues much, people often struggle in dealing with mental and emotional problems. They do not have strategies on hand that will tell them how to process these problems when they arise. We know of so many different strategies that can tell us how to lose fat and gain muscle, but we are often left wanting when mental issues arise.
Philosophy can help us with this problem. I have found that philosophy, specifically ancient Greek and Roman Stoicism, to be very helpful for me in this regard. We must share these ideas on how to handle these problems with each other and not be afraid to talk about these issues if we are to benefit from them, together.
Would you have known the most efficient way for you to strengthen your abs if nobody had told you how? Sure, you might have been able to figure it out on your own after some trial and error, but why not ask in the first place?
We can all learn from each other, why not share what we know?